March 14th, 1989
Being on standby feels like being in a state of limbo. Anytime the phone rings, I hope it’s British Airways’ crewing, with twelve hours’ notice of a trip, but that has yet to happen.
Started taking malaria tablets today and they taste absolutely vile, but regardless, I have to take them. I learned in training that Malaria can be transmitted through a bite from an infected Anopheles mosquito. If a mosquito carrying the Plasmodium parasite bites you, it can find it’s way to your liver, where it matures. Within a few days, the parasites enter your bloodstream and start to infect your red blood cells. Within a few days, the parasites in your red blood cells multiply and the infected cells burst open.
Tell tale signs of malaria typically present themselves within ten days, but the parasites can also remain dormant for a period of time before symptoms such as high fever, headaches, vomiting, shaking chills, muscle pain, convulsions and coma, rear their ugly head. Knowing all of this is enough to keep me knocking back the tablets.
It poured all day and everything felt very dreary and depressing, including my mood. It was just one of those days that seemed to go on forever, where I felt like I had no energy or inclination to go anywhere, or do anything.
I know the way I’m feeling is hugely tied to how much I’m missing Ben. I tried ringing him several times throughout the day with no luck and each time I hung up the phone I felt worse than the last. The feeling of despondency kept building in me and by seven o’clock tonight I’d had enough and told mum and dad I was going to bed.
I’ve been in my room for hours listening to music on my Walkman and writing. I wrote an eighteen-page letter to Ben declaring my undying love and telling him how much I miss him and long and yearn for his presence next to me again. As soon as I finished writing it, I scrunched it up and tossed it in the bin. There’s a tiny part of me that doesn’t feel he deserves such a letter and a bigger part of me that wishes I didn’t feel that way.
I have my headphones on listening to Sade singing, “I Never Thought I’d See The Day,” and she says it so much better than I can at the moment…
But I never thought I’d see the day
I knew I’d need a miracle to make you stay
Just to make Ben stay.