June 14th, 1989
Home early this morning and went straight to bed!
When I got up several hours later, I found mum and Granda sitting in the garden.
“Oh, here she is,” Granda said, trying to ease himself up out of the chair.
“Don’t get up Granda, you’re alright there,” I said, kissing his cheek, passing him a box.
“Wit’s this?” He asked.
“It’s for you, open it and see.”
While Granda fiddled with the tape on the box, mum asked me a bunch of questions about the trip.
“Och, would you look at this?” Granda sounded clearly delighted, holding a baseball cap in each hand.
“Put one on Jimmy” mum urged, “let’s see how you look in it.”
He chose the one festooned with the American flag. “Wit do you think?” he asked, smiling.
“That suits you Jimmy.”
“It does, looks good on you Granda.”
“Thank you very much hen,” he said, admiring the other cap.
“You’re welcome. That one is the Philadelphia Eagles, the football team.”
“You know hen,” he said, touching the flag, “if it wasnae for these I’d find it hard to believe you’ve been all the way to America and back in that short time.”
“My feet are telling me I did, I more or less walked there and back,” I said, laughing.
“Isn’t this something Elizabeth,” Granda said, holding out the cap to let mum see it. She nodded her head in acknowledgement.
“I never thought I’d own such a thing,” he said.
“Granda, do you want me to show you how some of the American boys wear theirs?”
“Oh aye,” he said enthusiastically.
I stood over him and turned the cap backwards. “Now give it some attitude,” I said in a mock American accent.
He had mum and I in stitches when he crossed his arms and gave us his best pouty expression.
Mum told me tonight that Ben rang several times in my absence.
“Is there anything you want to tell me?” she asked.
“No, not yet,” I replied.
I came up to my room and cried for ages because I know this time it’s over and I also know I’ll never get back with him. It doesn’t mean I don’t still love him but this is what he wants and I don’t want to fight with him anymore. In one way it feels like there’s so much left unsaid between us yet at the same time, there’s absolutely nothing left to say.