October 23rd, 1989

October 23rd, 1989
At home

Travelling on public transport with luggage is a nightmare; consequently, I didn’t get home tonight until after seven.

Mum and dad had previously planned on being in Scotland this past weekend to visit Nana, but obviously those plans changed. With mum in bed, the atmosphere in the house felt awful and within an hour of being home, I could no longer stand it.

I broke down and rang Ben, asking if I could go over and talk to him. Decided to walk instead of drive, if only so I could clear my head and think about what I wanted to say to him.

Susan answered the door and I could tell from her expression that something was off. Ben’s sister Jill and her fiancé were in the living room and we made small talk while I waited for Ben. Instead of him coming downstairs, he called me up to his room. He closed the door, leaned against it and said, “I have something to tell you.”

After he dropped me off at Heathrow, he turned around and drove up North to see Mandy. They spent a couple of days together, during which time they decided to get back together. There was much more said than that but I can’t write about it.

Didn’t he just tell me a few days ago that I was the one he wanted to be with forever? The one he wanted to marry and have kids with someday? The one he loves? Shocking doesn’t cover it. I really didn’t know how to respond with words, so I ran downstairs. Seeing the look of pity on Susan and Jill’s faces felt mortifying.

While I was putting on my boots, Susan and Jill came into the hall and mumbled a few words but I was too upset to speak. I don’t know how Susan ended up with a son like him. I really don’t.

I wasted no time heading out the front door but before I did, I heard Ben’s dad yelling. “Ben! Get down here. Now.” I scurried along the path and a minute later, I heard Ben calling my name. I made no attempt to stop but he eventually caught up with me.

The tears were coming fast and furious and I could barely speak. I actually don’t know what I said, but whatever it was, it made Ben turn and go home.

By the time I got home, I was drenched and I knew if dad saw me in such a state, he’d have a fit, so I crept, quietly into the house. My car keys weren’t on the hook by the door so I went into the kitchen to see if I’d left them there.

I spotted them in the middle of the breakfast bar and reached over to grab them.
“What are you doing?” dad asked, making me jump.
“Oh, sorry dad, I didn’t see you there. I eh, I’m just going for a drive.”
A look of fury spread across dad’s face. He opened his mouth but no words came out.
“I’ll be right back,” I sputtered.
“You’re no going out like that in this weather,” he said in a tone I daren’t question.
I dropped the keys back on the counter and came up to my room.

I really want to go in and talk to mum but I don’t want her to see me like this.

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