January 4th, 1990

January 4th, 1990

At home

Felt utterly depressed when I woke up at half four this morning but not because of the time. I picked up Anne Tyler’s, “Breathing Lessons,” but I wasn’t in the mood for delving into the demise of a twenty-eight year marriage. Every few pages my mind wandered back to last night and the expression on Ben’s face when I dropped him off.

I’ve always carried the hope that regardless of what (who) happens in our lives we’d remain friends but after yesterday I’m not so sure. I desperately want to go over and talk to him but I won’t.

I wanted to ring Pamsy and tell her about Ben but I knew she’d want to wring my neck for being such a weakling when it comes to him. In one way, I understand why she feels like that but I just felt the need to share how shitty it feels knowing he’s so attached to someone else.

Mum didn’t ask me what was up but I could tell she knew I was in a slump so she asked if I wanted to go shopping. I really wasn’t in the mood but I thought it’d be better to go out rather than staying in, feeling sorry for myself.

I bought a ski jacket. A ridiculously expensive O’Neill ski jacket. I’m not sure why I bought it. I really don’t like the cold and I haven’t been skiing in years. The only person I know who skis is Ben and it’s not like I’ll be hitting the slopes with him.


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