September 17th, 1990
Johannesburg, South Africa
Woke up crying from a horrible dream I had about Ben, where we were in, of all places, a bullring. We were arguing so much that he said he was leaving. On his way out, just as he was locking the gate, the bull appeared. I started running to get away but I tripped and that’s when I felt the bull’s teeth tear into my leg, which is when I woke up.
Even although it was only a dream, it really upset me and I spent the entire day stuck in this claustrophobic room where you can’t even open a window. I know I should’ve got dressed and met my crew for dinner but with each passing hour I felt my energy dwindle and had no desire to be around people.
I think the phone call from Ben the other day is somewhat responsible for the funk I’m in. I’ve been crying a lot, thinking about how happy we used to be and how much I loved him. Added to which, I still sometimes miss him, which makes me feel guilty because how would David feel if he knew that.
I’ve heard the expression, “perfect couple,” my whole life, as recently as yesterday, on the crew bus when I overheard the girls sitting behind me talking about some mutual friends. Do the perfect couple actually exist? What things/traits do people need to observe before they start referring to a couple as such? Does the perfect couple individually feel so fulfilled and happy that when they come together it only adds to their satisfaction? Maybe that’s what it is, I have no bloody idea!
What I do know, is that I need to close the book (trilogy!) on Ben, so I can move on, to the next chapter. And I know that not only do I need to close it, but more importantly, I need to accept that any possibility of us ever being together again is gone.
That’s the part I’m still having a hard time with.