November 20th, 1990
At home, England
I’ve been thinking about my time with Ben and I wonder if, when he sees Mandy, he’ll feel as guilty as I do about what happened.
If David asks if I’ve been with anyone, I’ll be honest with him but to this point, it’s something we’ve never discussed. David doesn’t strike me as the type to sleep around and he’s not the most sexual man to begin with. Don’t get me wrong, that part of our relationship is good, but I get the impression it’s not the most important thing in the world to him.
When I’m with Ben, we can’t get enough of each other. That’s the way it’s been with us. I can count on one hand, the number of times we’ve been in each other’s company and not ended up in let’s say, a compromising position. Being with David is lovely and it feels great, but it’s not the rip your clothes off, knock things over and break stuff (a lamp this time!) experience I still share with Ben.
Anyway, back to today, phew, I got a bit carried away there! I just need to determine what David thinks “this,” is and where he feels we’re headed and the only way I’m going to find out is by asking him, which of course I’m already dreading. I’m the opposite of bold when it comes to such matters but perhaps on the drive to San Diego I’ll do what mum does and hold him captive in an attempt to get answers to my questions!
David never did ring back but in an effort to start afresh (which includes no more Ben!) I need to just let it go. So much gets lost on the phone and things of little significance can quickly escalate to become a big deal. I don’t want it to be like that between us, so, with that in mind, I’m taking a deep breath, pressing the refresh button and packing the blue dress, in the hopes I’ll get to wear it.