November 25th, 1990
At home, England
Today is the one-year anniversary of Nana’s death, which I suspect is partly responsible for mum’s plummet into this latest episode with depression. I lit some candles for Nana and hoped mum and I could do something special to commemorate the day but the most mum was capable of was going from the couch to the guest bedroom. I sat on the bed, desperately wanting to pour my heart out and be consoled but sadly mum is in no state to help herself, let alone anyone else.
With mum as she is, I rang dad and suggested she spend the night here again. I could tell he was relieved by the suggestion and said he really appreciated the help. I was dreading him mentioning David, so I made an excuse that I had to go before he had the chance to.
I feel the need to talk about David and what happened but at the same time, I just want to lock it all away and pretend it didn’t happen, which I know is utterly ridiculous. I can’t believe I won’t see him again and that he’s no longer part of my life.
After Ben and I split up, I was heartbroken but regardless of whether we’re together or not, I get to see how life is unfolding for him. With David and the distance between us, that won’t happen. It’s not as if I’ll ever bump into him or hear about him through friends. I’ll never know how he’s doing and how life is treating him and the reality of that stings deep. Added to the fact there was no warning, or if there was, I didn’t see it. Everything came to such an abrupt ending which I think I’m still reeling from. Blindsided, for sure.
I can’t help but think if David had told me he met another girl, would I feel different? Would I have made an attempt at finding out more to see if there was any way we could patch things up? I don’t know the answer to that and I don’t want to sound flip but the reality is, he’s not interested in not only me but my gender, so regardless of what I do or don’t do, I guess it doesn’t matter.
It seems ironic that mum is upstairs in bed in zombie mode due to depression and I’m downstairs, feeling like a big part of my world has ended.