November 26th, 1990

November 26th, 1990

At home, England

I don’t know what took place between mum and dad but frankly I don’t have the energy or inclination to ask. All I know is mum is still here, showing signs of crashing deeper into the dark hole, which I imagine must be terrifying and for that reason alone, I’ll do everything I can to try and help her.

The reality of no more David grabbed me by the throat this morning, when I spotted the dolphin he gave me on top of the dresser. I promptly shoved it in the drawer, then pulled it out again and ended up sitting on the floor crying, clutching it like it had magical powers to make everything good again.

I’m sad I never got to see his new place but the more I think about it, the more likely it seems he moved in with this new guy. I’m angry with him for letting me down and I feel like I deserved more, but what more could he possibly have given me? He’s been hiding (and denying) a huge part of himself for who knows how long, so regardless of how I feel, I hope he’s able to live the rest of his life being true to himself. I always got the impression his family were pretty conservative so I expect coming out might not be easy for him.

There’s so much I want to know and I doubt I’ll ever get answers to my questions but that won’t stop me from asking them.

 

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