August 10th, 1991
At home, England
I can’t seem to get out of my own way at the moment. I keep thinking, “tomorrow, I’ll do that tomorrow,” then I get up and within a few hours, my energy is zapped. Pamsy said it’s only natural for us to occasionally feel knackered after so much flying and different time zones but I have a sneaking suspicion my lackluster mood is more related to my love life, or lack thereof!
Two nights ago, I spent a couple of hours on the phone with William, who talks as if we’re about to get married! I keep telling him I don’t want to live in America but he either isn’t taking me seriously or thinks I’ll change my mind. I suppose in one way it’s good he acts so “normal,” but in another, I envision a life where I end up living somewhere I dislike, with someone who doesn’t relate to me.
Pamsy said I have, “a slight tendency to over analyze everything,” but that as long as I’m not with Ben, she’s happy! Speaking of…he spent the night here last week, all so fantastic, until he left, after which I spent the rest of the day wandering around in a daze, so much so that when I went over to see mum and dad, mum pounced on me the second dad took Tini out.
“Something’s bothering you,” she stated. “Wit is it?”
“I think I’m just tired,” I said, not daring to look at her. As much as I try, I can never hide anything from my mum.
“Maybe you need a wee holiday.”
I laughed. “The last thing I want to do during my time off is get on a plane.”
“We could go up to Scotland on the train.”
“And see Nana,” I was about to say, quickly catching myself as a wave of sadness swept through me.
“I miss her as well,” mum uttered, reading my mind.
“I know you do, I’m sorry mum. And yes, maybe we could go up to Scotland for a few days, that’d be nice.”
“We could go to Edinburgh,” she said, all smiles. “Something different.”
“Oooh, I like the sound of that. Let’s go the first week of September.”
“Is that no a wee bit close to Sarah’s wedding?”
“With any luck, I’ll be taken prisoner in Edinburgh castle,” I laughed. “That way I won’t have to wear that awful bridesmaid dress!”
“Och,” mum tutted, stifling a giggle. “Yer an awful lassie!”